I Nearly Died!

Hi, I am Michael Pickering…I bet that first line caught your attention, Katie has asked me to do a guest blog, but rather than explain now, all I ask is you give 5 minutes to read the below.

It’s almost a year ago (24^th July 2014) when I had emergency surgery for Crohns disease that had gone that far that had burst my bowel and required emergency surgery to have an ileostomy. I was in a bad way and had been for some time getting progressively worse day by day

Awful sleep, and when I did the nightmares, mind tricks and bed sheets soaked with sweat were unbearable
Unable to enjoy anything, stressed and pained all of the time
Pushed everyone I loved and cared for away as was too scared to confront the reality, and was only kind to people outside of that circle
Buried myself in work, travelling a lot and not listening to my body
Living with chronic pain daily that literally after work I would come home, drink HEAVILY to try and find some solace and go to bed to repeat again the next day
Taking tramadol 6 times a day to try and relieve the pain

And even though I had all these symptoms before the operation the one thing that occurred in my mind when I woke up from the operation was…..What will people think of me with a ileostomy bag, pretty pathetic!!!

Now this is all depressing stuff but I have learned so much since that time that I can honestly say I am the happiest I have been in a long time and want to share with you a few ways that have influenced me a lot.

How I became a better version of myself!

Trust and talk to the ones that you love

This is seriously my biggest change and something I’m still battling with on a daily basis. We are all conditioned by our environments and as a man in the North East of England talking about how I feel is seen as a weakness a vulnerability and men shouldn’t be vulnerable, Right? Let me tell you this is wrong we are all vulnerable and confronting it is the start of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity

Just talking to my wife and telling her how I felt about myself and the shame and vulnerability of the ileostomy bag. I also told her about how precious she was to me and thankful that she has stood be me for such a long time throughout my illness and all those times when I tried to shut her out……I cried, but with happiness and this made me feel good and gave me great joy and courage.

Like I have previously mentioned I still continue to try and correct myself as 34 years of previous conditioning and beliefs do not eradicate themselves over night.

Enjoy the little things in life

I was void of any enjoyment prior to my operation the pain, seclusion and monotony of daily life was a constant stress so much so I was in the routine of Work, Dinner & Bed and absolutely nothing in-between.

I started to take small walks at first the confidence in the ileostomy bag at first was a worry and the tiredness after an laparoptomy operation taking its toll. However slowly after a few weeks of walking around the block, then to the local shop I was feeling stronger and actually noticing small things that helped me reconnect with myself and ease considerate stress of the situation. So much so that recently I was professing to my friends that they needed to go to a local park to see a Black Swan that was there.

More recently spending time with my niece and seeing the joy and wonderment when we either go to the park or visit the local fish quay with all of its wonders (most recently a huge conger eel which amazed me as much as it did her), really makes you understand what is important and significant

I know it sounds mental!!! It really does work.

Self appreciation

Again this was and is a very difficult thing for me to confront, I have never loved/liked myself in fact quite the opposite and tended to shun away from standing out which is quite difficult when your 6ft 10. However after talking to my wife, family and friends a lot, and telling me after what I had been through that I was brave, strong, caring and inspirational was not only humbling but I started to believe it!

Now this sounds again wacky but in times when I was low I used a mantra telling myself I was good enough, I wasn’t ugly and was worthy of being fit and well. I still use this now and look back on how far I have came as a reassurance that things are continually getting better and will do so.

I’m not proclaiming to love myself but I’m working on it! I’m doing things now I wouldn’t of dreamed of in the past such as:

• participating in pubic challenges most recently when asked by Katie

• sharing what I have learnt with people whether that be emotionally, dietary or physically I see as helping them as well as myself and to be honest makes me feel good about me

• not been afraid to be different

• mentored a person who is suffering badly as I was and reassured him that he can and will get better

• not caring what other people think, you need to live with yourself NOT them

At times these things are uncomfortable to do but the more you do things that you wouldn’t do, no matter how gut wrenchingly sick it may make you feel. That feeling will go it may take months or years but slowly it starts to feel less uncomfortable.

I’m a much healthier person now mentally and physically (well I’m getting there), I successfully had an ileostomy reversal 13 weeks ago and have had no further signs of Crohns disease which I obviously hope continues with the help of the above but with diet and exercise which I hope to get a chance to share with you at a later point. If Katie lets me!!

I have learnt a lot of this myself but a lot of it has been with the help of my wife, family, friends and a special mention to Wilde Performance who specialise in helping people with stomach disorders in a holistic way.